The following script will be brought to you in
DICLAIMER
MUSIC: ["Sesame Street" Theme]
NARRATOR: Cross the street to Sesame Hood! Today's episode:

"Don't go there!"

B.BIRD: Hey, Linda, what's that up in the sky?
LINDA: Why, that's a weather ballon, Big Bird.
B.BIRD: A weather ballon? Does it make weather?
LINDA: No, silly! It floats up in the air with computers on it to help us tell what the weather will be like today.
B.BIRD: That sure sounds like an inflated order!
LINDA: Yeah! Good call, B.B.!
B.BIRD: So, what will the weather be like today?
LINDA: Well, according to the ballon, we'll have weather!
B.BIRD: Wow! That's amazing! But how does it know?
LINDA: I don't know, Big Bird, but it only cost us taxpayers a million dollars.
B.BIRD: What a bargin!
LINDA: On no! Here comes Gordon and some of those scummy kids who live in the alley and don't know crap!
B.BIRD: Oh, I know it! I knocked one of them down yesterday, but I don't think I broke it.
LINDA: Aw, too bad. Next time, try harder!
B.BIRD: Alrighty. Well, hello, Gordon! How are you today?
GORDON: I'm okay, how're ya?
B.BIRD: I'm good.
GORDON: Hi, Linda.
LINDA: Stay away, you pervert!
GORDON: Aw, come on! Give us a kiss!
LINDA: Let go of me, you loser! I can't believe they let you out! Let go!
GORDON: Shut up, ya dumb -
LINDA: Help! Big Bird! Save me!
B.BIRD: Okay, Linda!

SFX: [Battle noises (B.Bird drop kicks Gordon, Gordon lands on his back, Linda is saved)]

LINDA: Thank you, Big Bird! And remember, red rhymes with dead!
GORDON: Uhhhhhh... Oh my God! Look up in the sky!
B.BIRD: Okay, Gordon!
GORDON: We're gonna die! The end is here!
LINDA: No, it's not, Gordon. We're all fine... except you.
GORDON: See that?
B.BIRD: You mean, up in the sky?
GORDON: Yeah, chicken legs.
B.BIRD: Yes, I do see it. And I know what it is, too.
(Singing) That's a weather balloon, a weather balloon, our little ol' friend in the sky! And when it's going to rain--
GORDON: Don't you watch FOX, man? That's the same thing that's been raggin' the Central District. It's a U.F.O.!
B.BIRD: A UFO? (Singing) That's a UFO, a UFO, our little ol' friend in the--
GORDON: Yo! Shut up, ya yella trash! I'll waste ya, right here! It's a U.F.O., and that thing's yo' death warrant, massa'!
LINDA: Well, if that is A U.F.O., I guess we'd better enjoy the experience!
B.BIRD: (Yawns) I feel tired, Linda.
LINDA: (Yawns) Yeah, me too. Let's sing the bedtime song! (Singing) Rock abie baby, on the--

SFX: [Dropping noise (B.Bird & Linda fall to the ground, unconscious)]

GORDON: Yo! Bob! Get yo white butt ova here!
BOB: Well, hello, Gordon! How ar--
GORDON: You got that ol' AK handy?
BOB: Certainly.

SFX: [Metal racking sounds (Bob pulls AK-47 out of his back pocket and hands it to Gordon)]

GORDON: Good.
BOB: What's the matter with Big Bird and Linda?
GORDON: Who cares?!?

SFX: [Semi-automatic gunfire (Gordon opens fire in their general area)]

GORDON: Uh Oh..

SFX: [Transporter noises (The four are transported to the ship)]

SCENE TWO

NARR: Big Bird, Linda, Bob, and Gordon have been mysteriously transported to a strange alien ship. Big Bird finds himself strapped to a examination table, unable to move his body...
B.BIRD: (Waking) Where am I? Linda? Lin--
ALIEN#1: Do not be alarmed.
ALIEN#2: We shall not harm you.
ALIEN#3: We must run a few tests.
B.BIRD: That's all?
ALIEN#1-3: That is all.
B.BIRD: Well then, help yourselves!

SFX: [Woman's scream (Linda screams elsewhere)]

B.BIRD: Linda?
ALIEN#1: A pity.
ALIEN#2: She did not survive our tests.
ALIEN#3: We shall properly dispose of here back on your planet.

SFX: [Falling noises, Screams (Linda is dropped back to Earth)]

LINDA: Bird... Big Bird... I love yo--

SFX: [Severe choking\vomiting noises (Linda vomits severe amounts of blood, a large parasite burrows out a hole in her neck)]

B. BIRD: Hey! I can move again! Say, you look tasty! Do you mind?
ALIEN#3: Your sytax confuses-
B.BIRD: Thanks!

SFX: [Ripping noise, chewing noise, spitting noise (B.Bird rips off Alien#3's head, eats it, then spits out his eyes)]

B.BIRD: Hmm, those look like big sunflower seeds!

SFX: [Chewing and swallowing noises (B.Bird eats the eyes)]

B.BIRD: Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got cruddy in my tummy!
ALIEN#1&2: You shall pay for that, Earthling!
B.BIRD: Ooh! More sunflower seeds! Yum!

SFX: [Chewwing and swallowing noises (B.Bird eats their eyes as well)]

B.BIRD: Mmm, delicious! But what do I do now? Linda's gone, so I guess I'm on my own now!

SFX: ["Star Trek"-type door opening sounds (B.Bird leaves the Exam Room and enters the Control Room)]

B.BIRD: Wow! The Control Room! And look! Little lights! I wonder what this one does? (Reading) "Bacterial Fermentation Test"? Well, Linda always said it was good to learn!

SFX: [Beep noise, large explosion (B.Bird presses button and a large explosion occurs on Earth's surface)]

B.BIRD: Ooh, pretty!

SFX: [Vomiting noise (B.Bird vomits on a control panel)]

B.BIRD: Oops! That's going to smell. Oh, well. Let's see... Captain's Log: Stardate 12345; The sunflower head are tasty but dead and I hope I won't be seeing any more of them. I wonder what's happening back on Earth...

SCENE THREE

NARR: Meanwhile, back on Earth, the "Bacterial Fermentation Test" has sparked Doomsday on Sesame Street. A lone frog reports on the chaos...
KERMIT: Hi de ho! Kermit de Frog here with another important news flash! The world is destroying itself! Total choas is emboding the city! Nature's fury is destroying our fair street! We now go to special Seasme Street doomsday experts, Bunsen and Beaker.
BUNSEN: The world is coming to an end! We're going to die!!!
BEAKER: Me me moe moe meep.
BUNSEN: Back to you, Frog!
KERMIT: Well, there you have it! The world--
PIGGY: Oh! Kermie! We're going to die! Make love to me, my sweet green love!
KERMIT: But Piggy! We're live on the air!
PIGGY: (Angered) Take me NOW, Frog! Hee yahh!!!

SFX: [Smash noise (Piggy smashes camera)]

KERMIT: Piggy, it's amazing how you can get your legs up over your head like that!
PIGGY: Oh, yes, you incredible hunk of frog! Oink, Oink! Yes! Yes, baby! Suey, Suey! Here pig, pig, pig, pig! Oh yes! Let the tadpoles free!
KERMIT: But, Piggy, I haven't even touched you yet!
PIGGY: Oh! Come to mama! I got your lillypad right here!
KERMIT: Uh, let's take a commercial break!
PIGGY: Come here, Frog! Let's make bacon!

SCENE FOUR

NARR: In an alley down the street, an unsuspecting innocent red muppet called Elmo mistakenly takes a wrong turn and makes a new friend who'll corrupt the young mind and open him up to a world he could never imagine before...
ELMO: (Singing) La, la, la, la! Elmo song! La, la--
HOOKER: Hey, short, red, and fuzzy!
ELMO: Who? Elmo?
HOOKER: No, you.
ELMO: Elmo is Elmo.
HOOKER: Whatever. I can put a smile on your face...
ELMO: But Elmo have one now!
HOOKER: Don't play dumb with me, stubby. You know you want it. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a new customer discount just cuz I like you, suga' lips.
ELMO: Elmo have no lips! You silly. Elmo like you! What you doing down on knees? Elmo no... no... (Voice deepens) Oh,yeahhhhh....
GROVER: Oh my dear goodness! Sesame Street has gone to the hoodlums! It is time for Super-Grover to return!

SFX: [WHOOSH! (Grover changes to Super-Grover)]

SUPER-GROVER: Hello, everbody! It's your old pal, Super-Grover! Hello, big girl! Very big girl! Have you lost your mommy?
HOOKER: HHMJMMJGMGJMGJ
SUPER-GROVER: Spit it out, big girl! It's not polite to talk with your mouth full! I said, Have you lost your mommy?
HOOKER: Hey, I'll fufill all any fantasy for only $30 per hour, fuzzy!
SUPER-GROVER: Um... Oh, Cabbage! I left my wallet in my other cape!
PRAIRE DAWN: Well, Snuffy, it looks like Grover's found a new friend.
SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Prarie, how do you spell my name?
PRARIE: Oh, shut up, you fat waste of a polyester-filled bag of cotton! You never cease to disgust me! Let's try spelling it T-U-R-D! Go rot somewhere!
SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Prarie, I'm sorry! I don't know what got inta me! Duh, here! Have this head o' cabbage!
PRARIE: Give me that, you stupid rehab!

SFX: [Eating, panting, groaning]

SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Prarie, 'diarrhea' means day store in Spanish!
PRARIE: What did you give me, you pshycotic retard?!?
SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Prarie, it gives me da runs, but it should kill you!
PRARIE: I'm coming back for you. Ahh... (dies)
SNUFFY: Well, I guess I'm on my own, now?

SCENE FIVE

NARR: Back aboard the U.F.O., Big Bird has taken control of the ship...
B.BIRD: Hmm... What does this do?

SFX: [Beep noise, Zang noise. (B.Bird presses a button and is engulfed in blinding bright light)]

B.BIRD: Oh, my! It would appear my intellectual juristiction has maturated. My palaver has duplicated twice in dimensionality and potency. I hope that my acquaintances on Earth aren't sustaining any unjust issues upon my being abreast hitherto. Well, I guess I had better use the alighting apperatus. We depart now!

SCENE SIX

NARR: At the WABC television studio...
GUY SMILEY: And there you have it. You've heard it all right here on WABC! This is Guy Smiley, signing off.
KERMIT: Thanks for covering for me, Guy. One more favor...?
GUY: Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhsssssssssssssssss...?
KERMIT: Have you seen Miss Piggy around here? I can't take much more of this constant piggy-style. I don't like piggy- style. It hurts too much! Can you take over for me there too?
GUY: Sure! I'm off for some piggy-style!

SCENE SEVEN

NARR: In another alley in Sesame Street, Cookie Monster meets with a new "friend"...
COOKIE: Yammmmn, yammmmn, yammmmn! You got stuff?
PUSHER: Yeah, I got yer stuff right here.
COOKIE: Let see! Let see!
PUSHER: 'Kay, man! Just hold on!
COOKIE: Me wait no more! Me want cookies!

SFX: [Gunshots. (Cookie pulls out a gun and shoot the Pusher)]

PUSHER: Ahh!
COOKIE: Oh no! Man taping me for "Highway Patrol"! Me hide face!

SFX: [Gunshot. (Cookie shots himself in the face by accident)]

COOKIE: Whoops! Can't see! All red!

SCENE EIGHT

NARR: Elsewhere on Sesame Street...
OSCAR: What the heck is this crap? Prozzac? Hmmmmm.... Oh, I don't feel so good...
SNUFFY: Duh, dee, Prarie...

SFX: [BANG! (Oscar explodes)]

SNUFFY: I'm sorry I hurt you. Prarie? Prarie? You can wake up now. Prarie?
BETTY LOU: Hi, Snuffy! What're you doing?
SNUFFY: Duh, oh my God! It's Prarie?!?
BETTY LOU: No, silly. It's Betty Lou, Prarie's twin sister. By the way, have you her?
SNUFFY: Duh, who? Betty Lou?
BETTY LOU: No, silly. I'm Betty Lou. Have you seen Prarie?
SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Betty Lou, I have not.
BETTY LOU: What's that behind your back?
SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Betty Lou, it's sure not Prarie's dead body!
BETTY LOU: You're funny. Let's see what you've got beh-- Oh my God! It really is Prarie!
SNUFFY: Duh, gee, Betty Lou, don't be mad at me. Here, have this head o' cabbage!

SCENE NINE

NARR: Meanwhile, Count Von Count and Comissioner examine the numerous dead bodies that litter the once beautiful streets of Sesame...
COUNT: Oh my! Police Comissioner! Another dead, mutilated corpse for me to count the bullet holes in! Vaghn, two, three bullet holes! Ah, ah, ah!

SFX: [Thunder noises]

COMISSIONER: Thank you, Count!
COUNT: Vhat?!? I have run out of bodies to count? Vait a minute... Comissioner, please turn your head!
COMISSIONER: Alright.
COUNT: Blah! Blah!

SFX: [Biting, sucking noises (Count attacks him and begins to suck his blood)]

COUNT: Ahhhhhhhhh, you have very tasty blood, Comissioner!
COMISSIONER: Thank you, Count. Uhhh...

SFX: [Rumble noises (The Earth begins to shake)]

EVERYONE: What's that?!?
SATAN: Auggghhh! At last! After ten thousand years, I'm free! Free to take my revenge against the pitiful human race! Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah,

SFX: [Vacum noises (Satan is sucked back into the Earth)]

ELMO: Wow! He's red! Just like Elmo! That make Elmo the devil! You shall all be Elmo's (Voice deepens) enternal slaves! Hah, hah, hah, h-- (Voice returns to "normal") Oh, wait! Elmo go home now! Past naptime!

SCENE TEN

NARR: In the U.F.O.'s control room...
B.BIRD: Oh, dear! It appears to me that there is an imense disharmonization on our planet! I just hope I can dismember whomever decomposes the peace of excogitatation on our bolulevard. It would be eminently futile if someone endeavors to intermeddle with my intendments. The aforementioned tenents are choatic mires.

SFX: [Beep noises, landing noises (B.Bird presses a few buttons and the ship lands)]

B.BIRD: They shall perish via my hands at the ne plus ultra! Oh, how I tresure quietus! The sensations of fatalities apon these hands of yellow leads me distinguished juristiction! Ah, here we come now!

SFX: [Door opening noises (B.Bird exits the ship)]

B.BIRD: It pleases me, this planet. I shall pay my dues upon those lives which were taken from me, and with it, utter death and destruction!
ELMO: Hey! Hey! It's Big Bird!
B.BIRD: Yes, I have returned, Elmo.
MARICE: Hey, it's great to see you, Bird! We're having a pretty tough time here and we need all the help we can get!
B.BIRD: Spare me your petty foolishness, Marice. Your accompaniments are dead and buried. If you wish to join them, speak now!
HENRY: What are you saying, Big Bird?
B.BIRD: In a word: Die!!!

SFX: [Lazer noises, screams of death. (B.Bird destroys Henry)]

ELMO: Wow! Neat trick, Big Bird!
B.BIRD: Thank you, knave!
MISTER HOOPER: Hey, Bird, stop it! I've known you from day one. Have I ever hurt you?
B.BIRD: No, Mr. Hooper, you have not.
HOOPER: Well, there's a first time for everything! DIE!!!

SFX: [Semi-Automatic gunshots. (Hooper shoots B.Bird, bullets bounce off)]

B.BIRD: Pity. I am invulnerable!

SFX: [Egg frying noise. (B.Bird stares at Hooper, his heart burns out)]

HOOPER: Ahh...
B.BIRD: What a tragedy! I had such beneficial designs for this planet. I could have averted it's occupants into slaves! What do you want, you pathetic fool?
ELMO: Elmo and Big Bird can be buddies! Teach Elmo, train Elmo, let Elmo be partner!
B.BIRD: I think not.
ELMO: What good sidekick name? "Bird boy"? "Nightwing"?
B.BIRD: How about "dead"?
ELMO: Okay!

SFX: [Push noise, falling noise. (B.Bird pushes Elmo into the Sesame Pit)]

ELMO: Aaaaggghhh!

SFX: [Plop\Splat-type noise. (Elmo hits bottom, Satan escapes from the Sesame Pit)]

SATAN: You dare summon me again?!? I shall turn this soiree into an orgy... of blood!
B.BIRD: Oh, really? Why is it that I pity you? Knave! Bow down before your master!
SATAN: You speak harsh words!
B.BIRD: My power is beyond you! I can kill you just because I will it!
SATAN: You can not kill what is already dead! Huh?

SFX: [Slurping noises. (B.Bird begins to suck up Satan)]

SATAN: No, wait! I--
B.BIRD: Mmm, spicy! Needs ranch dressing though!

SCENE ELEVEN

NARR: At the Sesame Street Police Department...

MUSIC: ["The X-Files" theme]

MULDER: Hello, officer Telly. I am agent Fox Mulder and this is Agent Dana Scully. We come here to represent the X-Files division of the FBI division of the federal--
SCULLY: Mulder! Shut up! Nobody's s'posta to know 'bout the X-Files!
MULDER: Oh, sorry. Forget I said that.
TELLY: I already have. Thank you for coming, agents. I know the trip you took won't be wasted.
MULDER: We came because we heard we might see some ghosties, or maybe a flying saucer...
SCULLY: Would you say anythin'... 'usual has happenin' 'round here lately, Officer Telly?
TELLY: Boy, where have you been? Look around! Everything is trashed! The city has gone to pot, literally! Just look at Elmo here!
ELMO: Hey, Mister Man! Hey, Mister Lady! Elmo think pot is good. Pot starts with P! Bye bye, lady!
TELLY: Thank you, Elmo. Now get back in your cage.
ELMO: 'Kay. Bye bye, Mister Man!
MULDER: And good bye to you, you little fuzzman!
ELMO: Elmo fuzzman? Yeah, yeah!
MULDER: Wowzers! You remind me of my sister!
ELMO: Elmo know you sister!
MULDER: You do?!?
ELMO: Yeah. She 'n Elmo have to make babies on the youffoe!
MULDER: NOOOOOOOO!!! I'll get you, tunk!
SCULLY: Watch it, Mulder! Those be E.B.E.s you're talkin' 'bout there, jive turkey!
MULDER: That's what I said, isn't it? Aliens, right?
SCULLY: Oh... (pauses) Oh, yeah!
EMLO: You sister have hair and eyes. You sister a little shorter than Scully.
MULDER: Then it has to be her!
ELMO: Aliens get rid of patients after five uses.
MULDER: How many times has she been up there?
ELMO: Four... and a half.
MULDER: When is she going up again?
ELMO: Five minutues.
MULDER: WOWZERS! I have to go save her! Go-go gadget copter!

SFX: [Helicopter noise (A strange "copter" grows out of Mulder's head. He flys off through the roof.)]

ELMO: Wow! He can fly!
SCULLY: What a show off! He's thinkin' he's the man just 'cause he can fly 'n all I can do is surf on my butt!
ELMO: Oh no! Elmo just remember that Elmo just remember that Elmo have to go to woods so can Elmo and and aliens get Elmo and take Elmo liver out. Is liver important?
SCULLY: No. Don't worry 'bout it! I had my liver out and I... I... Oh, yeah! Avon calling!

SFX: [Plop! (Scully falls to the ground)]

ELMO: Officer Telly! Is Mister Lady okay?
TELLY: I don't know, Elmo! We'd better give her an examination! Take off her clothes!
ELMO: Okay!
SCULLY: Oh, boy! I'm neck-kid! I like bein' neck-kid!
TELLY: Good.
ELMO: Elmo learn something from pretty lady. She had bright colors on and (voice deepens) smelled good! Smelled MM, so good!
SCULLY: Where'd he say me be learnin' that, mon?
TELLY: Who cares? I'm next! Oh my God.............!

SCENE TWELVE

NARR: In the U.F.O.'s slave chambers...
B.BIRD: Ahh, up here! I like it, I like it... I like it a lot! The freedom... the lovliness of it all... the fact that I can drop a thousand pound T.P. bomb on the planet and not have to worry about it...much.

SFX: [A copter noise grows increasingly louder outside the ship. (Mulder has flown up to save his sister.)]

B.BIRD: What is that noise?!?

SFX: [Knocking noises. (Mulder is knocking on the ship's door from outside.)]

MULDER(outside the ship): Let me in, you... you... you Big Bird-Alien!
B.BIRD: So be it!

SFX: [Warp noises. (Mulder is transported inside the ship.)]

B.BIRD: Ah, Agent Mulder. We meet at last!
MULDER: Where are we?!?
B.BIRD: Aboard my U.F.O.!
MULDER: Where the heck did you get a U.F.O., muppet?
B.BIRD: You'd be surprised what you can find if you shop around enough. (pauses, voice changes to "Scar"/Jeremy Irons) Oh,dear! I've said too much! Well, I suppose you'd have found out sooner or later, you being so clever and all. (Voice returns to normal) But, you know, your sister was really good last night.
MULDER: What have you done with my sister?
B.BIRD: I don't know anything of your sister.
MULDER: So why is she chained up in that cage?
B.BIRD: Oh, that. Um, you see, One: I kind of killed the aliens who used to run this place, pushed a few buttons, and gained more intellegence that any muppet should ever have! I had a big vocabulary for a while, but that got really old really fast. And Two: It was for wild, buck neck-kid, kinky sex! (pauses) Oh, dear! I've said too much!
MULDER: Well, can I have my sister?
B.BIRD: Not the way I've had her! That's just incest, and that's sick... but I suppose if you join my ways...
MULDER: Never! Justice shall always prevail!
B.BIRD: Oh, shut up! You don't actually believe that crap, do you?
MULDER: No, but that's what they told us to say in a dire emergency like this!
B.BIRD: That's pretty stupid, isn't it?
MULDER: Well, I guess so.
B.BIRD: So, will you join the dark side?
MULDER: Um, I guess so.
B.BIRD: You lie!
MULDER: So?
B.BIRD: But that's not fair! I could have lost everything I have up here!
MULDER: Don't you watch the show? "Trust no one". Duh!
B.BIRD: I'm telling!
MULDER: Come on!

SFX: [Sword drawing noises. (Mulder and B.Bird draw swords.)]

B.BIRD: You are immortal!?!

MUSIC: ["Highlander" theme]

MULDER: Come on, Highlander!
B.BIRD: Highlander? Surely I shall kill you for that remark!
MULDER: Bring it on, bad boy!

SFX: [Battle noises. (B.Bird and Mulder fight.)]

B.BIRD: You fight well, Mulder. You are a worthy opp--
MULDER: Take this!

SFX: [Sliceing noise. (Mulder cuts off B.Bird's arm.)]

B.BIRD: Oww! My arm! You cut off my arm!
MULDER: You lose, cowboy...
B.BIRD: Not quite!
MULDER: Huh?
B.BIRD: Take this! And that! And a little of this! And some of that, even!
MULDER: Aaagh!
B.BIRD: You were saying, Mulder?
MULDER(crying): Come on... just let... my sister... go...
B.BIRD: I don't really think so. There can be only one...

SFX: [Slice, followed by lightning noise. (B.Bird cuts off Mulder's head. Mulder's powers are transferred to B.Bird via lightning.)]

B.BIRD: MMMM! Fruity!! Now, about this body. Hmm...

SCENE THIRTEEN

MUSIC: [News Theme"]

ANNOUNCER: We interupt our regularly scheduled program for a Street News Flash!
KERMIT: Um, hi de ho! Kermit de Frog here with a special WABC news report! It appears that the U.F.O. hovering above the city has had some trouble manuvering... no, wait... it appears that an object has come from the ship... it's making odd whistling noises...

SFX: [Odd whistling noises. (A bomb drops from the ship.)]

KERMIT: Wait! It almost sounds like a bomb. YIKES! A bomb! AAAHHH!!!
PIGGY: Oh, Kermie! We're gonna die!
KERMIT: Piggy! We're live on the air!
PIGGY: Oh, um, ladies and gentlemen, we are all going to die.

SFX: [Large explosion. (Bomb explodes.)]

SCENE FOURTEEN

NARR: In the U.F.O.'s control room...

B.BIRD: Oh no! What have I done now? Oh, well. It doesn't really matter. As for you, my pretty, you shall never see the light of another day. Hmhmhmhm. And you... Mmm. Wait a second! I have killed everyone on the planet. Bummer.

SCENE FIFTEEN

NARR: Below on the newly destroyed earth...
KERMIT: I... can't believe... we survived... must be that... our fuzzy bodies are... made of asbestos... the miricle material...
PIGGY: Do you know what this means, Frog? We're going to live forever! Now I can finally be on 'Melrose Pig'!
KERMIT: Pig. Sheesh.
PIGGY: Frog! You better take that back!
KERMIT: Um, you smell good... and would would probably make more money on the shelf.
PIGGY: OOOOH!!! Frog! You're gonna pay for that! Hee yah!

SCENE SIXTEEN

NARR: In the U.F.O.'s D.N.A. lab...
B.BIRD: Well, I'm glad I saved some of Linda's D.N.A.. I really miss having her around here. Doo doo dood doo do. We just put a little bit o' Linda in this tray here, and spin this little dial, and... Presto! Linda soup! All we have to do is wait awhile and you'll be good as new! Hmm... Who eles should I bring back? I do miss Bob, but there's no way Gordon's getting his butt back up here! Bob it is! Here we go! A little Bob D.N.A. in the tray, tray, tray. Doo dee doo dee doo. Whoops!

SFX: [Smash! (B.Bird drops the Linda tray.)]

B.BIRD: Sorry, Linda!
LINDA SOUP: That's okay! Spill all you want, we'll make more!

SCENE SEVENTEEN

NARR: Down on Sesame Street...
ELMO: Hey, muppet! You want Elmo velcro deformed nose to you face?!
MUPPET: No, man! Just take my alphabet list! Just do it!
ELMO: Elmo know you no mo'ron. Hmm... Elmo got list, who to pawn off to?

SCENE EIGHTEEN

NARR: Back in the D.N.A. lab..
. B.BIRD: Well, it's about time to check on our little friends here. How are we, Linda?
LINDA: (coughs) Big Bird...
B.BIRD: You just sleep.
BOB: Bird. Bird.
B.BIRD: Bob! You made it!
BOB: Bird. I smell like poo poo.
B.BIRD: What?!?
BOB: Hello, Mister Man!
B.BIRD: What is it with that? It's similar to those silly prep catch phrases.
BOB: 'Zup, gee? In da house...! I'm da man!
B.BIRD: Sure, whatever. Hmm... I think I'll make a Maria! D.N.A. on super mode!

SFX: ["Zippy" noises. (D.N.A. super mode.)]

MARIA: Hola, Big Bird! Yo estoy aqui!
B.BIRD: Maria! You made it!
MARIA: Como estas? Tiene comida? Yo tengo el hambre. Ahorra, ave amarillo!
B.BIRD: Oh. shut up!
MARIA: Soy la diabla! Soy la diabla!
B.BIRD: 'I'm the devil'? Oh, real original! It's been done to death! Cut it out! No one wants to hear it!
MARIA: Por que?
B.BIRD: Because I say so!
MARIA: Solomente queria a tener divertido!

MUSIC: ["All I Wanna Do"-- Sheryl Crow]

B.BIRD: Too bad. No fun up here, "Sheryl". Can't you talk in english? I'm sure they're sick of it by now!
MARIA: Demasido mala!

B.Bird: Oh, very nice! Too bad no one got it!
MARIA: Oh. nevermind! I shall speak your pathetic english!
B.BIRD: You know, I never fully realized this before, but I'm all yellow.
MARIA: Except for your orange pencil legs, and your bulging eyeballs!
B.BIRD: Hey! I like my eyes! They're disposable and they bring out my beautiful, swan-like neck!
MARIA: Not!
B.BIRD: Okay! At least I'm not some scuzzed up loser who only has the ability to count to ten!
MARIA: I can count well past fifty!
B.BIRD: Can not!
MARIA: Can too!
B.BIRD: Can not!
MARIA: Can too!
B.BIRD: Shut up, you little enemy of Newt! Up with Newt! Up with Newt!
MARIA: If P.B.S. gets pulled, you're off the program too!
B.BIRD: Am not! I'll always have the ice-shows!
MARIA: Yeah, you and Batman!
B.BIRD: Hey! You leave Batman out of this! Batman's cool!
BATMAN: Hey, Bird! Thanks!
MARIA: Yeah, well, Adam West sure stunk it up!
B.BIRD: Granted.
MARIA: Friends?

MUSIC: ["Friends" theme]


B.BIRD: Oh, Maria!
MARIA: Oh, Big Bird! Friends 4-Eva!
B.BIRD: 4-Eva! Here... Eat this!
MARIA: (chewing) Bird, what is this?
B.BIRD: Oh, only a human embryo.

SFX: [Severe choking sounds.]

B.BIRD: Oops! What have I done? What have I-- oh, well!
MARIA: Ack! I can't believe you made me eat that! You are not my friend! Friend, remember, is I before E!
B.BIRD: Well, then, I suppose you shall have to die!
MARIA: Well, duh!
B.BIRD: Farewell, Maria, you stupid little redneck!
MARIA: Bring it on, yella neck!
B.BIRD: 'Kay.
MARIA: (screams)

B.BIRD: Ha ha!

SCENE NINETEEN

NARR: At Mister Hooper's store...
KERMIT: So, Miss Piggy, how 'bout those Celtics?
PIGGY: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis,siete, ocho, nueve,diez!
KERMIT: Um, thanks, Piggy.
PIGGY: No problemo!
KERMIE: Wow! Look at that hog!
PIGGY: What was that, Frog?
KERMIT: Look! A Harley!
PIGGY: Oh. Wow! Kermie! A biker jacket! Ooh, and dark sunglasses! A guatling gun! Neato! Boots! Hasta lavista, Froggie!
KERMIT: Piggy! Where are you going?!?
PIGGY: To save the world!
KERMIT: Well, take me with you!
PIGGY: Too late, Frog. That bacon thing was a bit much!
KERMIT: Oh, come on! Take me with you!
PIGGY: Okay, but you have to ride in the side car.
KERMIT: The what?
PIGGY: The sideca-- oh, just get in!
KERMIT: Oh, the sidecar!

SFX: [Motorcycle noises.]

SCENE TWENTY

NARR: Arriba la calle...
ELMO: Pues, mi puta amor, cuando tu crees nosotros pudemos tener la baile mal del monos?
PUTA: Cuandos puercos vuelan.
ELMO: Mira! Piggy esta volando ahorra!
PIGGY: Yeeee haahhh!

SFX: [Motorcycle noises.]

PUTA: Bueno, tenamos lo aqui.
ELMO: Sombre la calle?!?
PUTA: Por que no?
ELMO: Es muy sucio, y, y, aii, (voice deepened) muy sucio.
PUTA: Pues, miremoslo.
ELMO: Aii aii aii! Oh, (voice deepens) que bueno!
SCENE TWENTY-ONE

NARR: Down the street...
KERMIT: Well, I can't believe you finally stopped, Piggy!
PIGGY: Well, I finally ran out of gas!
KERMIT: I can't believe you actually did!
PIGGY: What? What was that, Frog?
KERMIT: Umm...

SFX: [Car noises. (Batmobile pulls-up)]

KERMIT: Hey, look! It's millionare playboy, Bruce Wayne!
PIGGY: Talk about foreshadowing!
KERMIT: And look! It's the Batmobile!
B.WAYNE: Hey, Piggy, need a lift?
PIGGY: Moi? Sure!
KERMIT: Hey, moneybags! Eat me!
B.WAYNE: Okay. Hmm, tastes like chicken!
KERMIT: Hey, get outa there!

SCENE TWENTY-TWO

NARR: On the magic U.F.O. still hovering sinisterly over the streets of Sesame...
B.BIRD: Well, good-bye, Maria!
MARIA: Au revoir, Big Bird!

SFX: [Door opens, wind.]

B.BIRD: Oh, well. I suppose I've got to land this beast!

SFX: [Landing noises.]

B.BIRD: Hmm, I seem to be in the inner city of Sesame Hood.
HOOKER: Well, little friend Elmo, I see that you're all worn out, and I have to get going. You know what they say, "A whore's work is never done!"! You were a very good boy today, Elmo.
ELMO: Elmo think you were vey good, too. Bye-bye!
HOOKER: Hmm, that job was just a bit too easy.
B.BIRD: What is this? The streets are infested with cheap whores! You there, what's your name?
HOOKER: Julie Winters.
B.BIRD: I do not understand your attire. A shopping bag is not even proper clothing for a street walker such as yourself. You remind me of a certain human who talks like a muppet God!
HOOKER: Well, if you help me out, I can help you out, and I can get some real clothes. It isn't easy doing what I do.
B.BIRD: You are so stupid! Why I oughta--
THE MAXX: You oughta... what?
HOOKER: Maxx?
THE MAXX: Julie?!?
B.BIRD: Huh?
THE MAXX: I can see that you are some sort of... big, yellow bird. And you taste like chicken... kind of like some green... frog down the street.
B.BIRD: It seems like you are some mutated beast from the realms of the Outworld!
THE MAXX: I am from... Australia... yeah.
KERMIT: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis,siete, ocho, nueve, diez!
PIGGY: Well, my frog slave, what are you making me for dinner tonight?
KERMIT: Something that tastes like chicken?
PIGGY: Oh, frog! You chose wisely!
KERMIT: I just want to live, Piggy.
PIGGY: I know that, frog, and tonight I hope that we can co a lot of living!
KERMIT: Hey, look! It's Big Bird!
PIGGY: So, Bird, where have you been? The 'hood has gone to the hoodlums!
B.BIRD: So I have seen.
KERMIT: So, where have you been?
B.BIRD: Flying around in a U.F.O.. I got super intelligence, and talked real smart for a while. But now I don't, because nobody likes a bird who shows off!
KERMIT: No, really. Where have you been?
B.BIRD: I told you, on the U.F.O.!
KERMIT: Sure, whatever you say. Can we see the U.F.O.?
B.BIRD: Sure, I don't see why not...

SCENE TWENTY-THREE

NARR: Outside of Bert and Ernie's apartment...
BERT: Huh huh huh, that wuz cool!
ERNIE: Bert, honey, you've got to stop watching so much T.V.!
BERT: Huh huh. Shut up, butt-munch! Bite me!
ERNIE: I'd love to!
BERT: You're gay!
ERNIE: Oww! Bert, don't set me on fire! You know it just makes me hot!

SFX: [Falling noises, "Splat" noise. (Maria finally falls from the sky.)]

BERT: Huh huh. Cool! A chick fell from the sky! Huh huh. Come to Bert-head!
ERNIE: I'll come to Bert-head anytime!
BERT: No! Nooooooo! Get off me, queer!
MARIA: Ughgh... help... Big Bird... in... sane...
ERNIE: Ewwwwww! It's a girl! Cooties! I need cootie spray! Spppph! Spppppppppppt! Kill it! Kill it!
BERT: Uh, don't listen to him. Uh, let's like, um, uhmmmmmmmm, uh... Do something... or like, uh, yeah, something.
MARIA: Yes, we must stop the maniacal Big Bird!
BERT: Okay. Uh... NO! No. I mean, let's do something.

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR

NARR: Back with Big Bird...
B.BIRD: Come on, let me show you and Piggy my U,.F.O.!
KERMIT: Um, okay. Let's go!
PIGGY: Yes!
KERMIT: Why did you just say yes?
PIGGY: Because it's the opposite of no!
KERMIT: So, Big Bird! You were really flying around in a U.F.O.?
B.BIRD: Righty-roo, Kermie-Poo! It's really fun! The best thing is the roasted peanuts they give you.
KERMIT: Who might that be?
B.BIRD: My muppets and human slaves! Ha, ha, ha!

SCENE TWENTY-FIVE

NARR: Somewhere outside of Sesame Street, Agent Mulder begins to miraculiously recover and awaken from his deep sleep...
MULDER: Big Bird didn't get all the way through my neck! I'm still alive! But where am I? Scully...? Scully? SCULLY?!?!?!?!?

SCENE TWENTY-SIX

NARR: Outside the Sesame Street Police Department...
SCULLY: Yay! I did it! I counted to ten in spandish! Wait, that's not it! It's espanyolio! Yeah, that's it! You got the light one, baby! Uh, huh! I like spandish fly... oh, yeah...
TELLY: So, Scully. You live around here?
SCULLY: No, I have an 'partment back in Dee Cee.
TELLY: Maybe you should move over here.
SCULLY: No, thanks for the memories. I don't like the climate.
TELLY: Well, I'd like to climate!
SCULLY: Oh, 'kay... By the way, when can I have any of my clothes back?
TELLY: When I feel like it.
SCULLY: 'kay, master. So, where did that littl' red one go? Eskamo?
TELLY: Elmo? Actually, he might be back here an--
ELMO: Elmo here! Elmo learn lots! Elmo know what (voice deepens) you're doin'!

SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN

NARR: Big Bird has brought Kermit and Miss Piggy aboard his ship and taken off again...
PIGGY: Boy, fame sure has changed Big Bird. He's not nice anymore.
KERMIT: You think you know people, and then they become some alien warlord and conqueror, and they become a real jerk, too.
B.BIRD: Ah, hello, my... "friends". Are you enjoying your stay above my hovering fortress?
PIGGY: Kind of.
KERMIT: But I detest all the slavery.
PIGGY: Shut up, you fairy! The slaves are cool!
KERMIE: Yeah, I know, but their tretment is inhumane.
B.BIRD: True.
PIGGY: Shut up, Frog! You're impossible sometomes, you know that?
B.BIRD: Silence, Miss Piggy! Your mate has a point... Let us test this. Frog...

SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT

NARR: Back at the police station..
. TELLY: Elmo! Get back here NOW!
ELMO: Elmo sorry, Telly. Elmo get something to eat during movies. How about some copporn with butter?
TELLY: What?!?
ELMO: Sorry. Elmo mean popcorn with butter. You see, there's this policeman who's always eating junkfood and hamberguessas, and he stars in the movies like we watching right now. He remind Elmo of that!
TELLY: Oh. Scully, would you pass me the butter?
SCULLY: I don't know if it's hot. Let me check... oops!

SFX: [Sizzle.]

ELMO: Oww! Boiling acid!
SCULLY: Oh, I'm sorry, Elmo! It's just blutter! Oooh, yeah... that's good blutter!

SCENE TWENTY-NINE

NARR: On the U.F.O....
B.BIRD: So, you detest the slavery, Kermit?
KERMIT: Yes.
PIGGY: No.
KERMIT: You can't be serious!
PIGGY: Oooooooh! Shut up, you-- you-- you Frog! Hee Yah!

SFX: [Windows breaking.]

KERMIT: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

SFX: ["Ploping" noise.]

KERMIT: Aaggg! Uhh, umm, yeah. (voice changes to Popeye) *arg*, where's me spinach!

SFX: [Can opening sounds]

KERMIT: UMM! Oh, my!

MUSIC: ["Popeye" theme]

SCENE THIRTY

NARR: In the streets...
THE MAXX: Huh? Where did... everyone go?

SCENE THIRTY-ONE

NARR: Back with Scully...
SCULLY: Oh, Elmo! I'm soooooooooo sorry! Your lap is 'kay?
ELMO: Elmo no know! Sit on Elmo lap to help Elmo find out!
SCULLY: 'Kay... hmmm... WHAT?!? You're disgusiting! Ow, my head! Your littl' afrodisiacts won't work any more! Where's Mulder?
ELMO: Elmo no know!
SCULLY: Oh, go rub your thumbs!
ELMO: Okay!

SFX: [Muffled cell-phone ringing.]

SCULLY: Oh, where is that? Oh, MY! Oops! How'd it get in there? Scully...
MULDER(over the phone): Mulder.
SCULLY: Scully.
MULDER: Mulder.
SCULLY: Scully.
MULDER: Scully.
SCULLY: Scully.
MULDER: Marco.
SCULLY: Polo. Mulder? Where have have you been, David... uh, Fox.
MULDER: OOOOOnngh! Whatever, Gill EEE EN!
SCULLY: I'm sarry!
MULDER: That's better! Where are you?
SCULLY: Wouldn't you like to know?
MULDER: No really. OH, GOD, are you where I think you are?
SCULLY: Um, No, NO! I'm at Sesame Street.
MULDER: Are not! That's a fake place!
SCULLY: Is not!
MULDER: Is too!
SCULLY: Is not!
MULDER: So how can you be there?
SCULLY: Huh?
MULDER: Oh, wait. Um. Never mind.
SCULLY: Don't you rember?
MULDER: Yep.
SCULLY: It's just that for a second you sounded like you didn't rember.
MULDER: Just drop it!
SCULLY: Mulder can't remberber! Mulder can't remberber!
MULDER: Shut up!
SCULLY: 'k''.
MULDER: Of course I do! What are we talking about?
SCULLY: What happened? Don't I get it? I mean I dont' get it! Okay I got your co-ordinates.
MULDER: Whateva! Bye Bye! (click)

Scene 32

SFX:[alarms]

NARR: In the charred remains of the Yoofoe...
PIGGY: What's that alarm mean?
BIG BIRD: That alarm means...were out of hamsters! We're gonna crash. (crash.)
TELLY, SCULLY and ELMO: What was that?!
ELMO: Big Bird ship!
SCULLY: Oh, my! We better go 'vestigate! I lost my clothes again! Where'd my clothes?
TELLY: Here you go.
SCULLY: Wait a minute! I wasn't wearing a playboy bunny suit and where've my badge?
ELMO: Elmo got your badge (voice) right here!
SCULLY: The UFO can wait! I got somethin' else to 'vestigate! Foo'! (cell phone) Mulder?
MULDER: I'm here!
SCULLY: Watch it Mulger! Those be EBE's you talkin' bout there, jive turkey!
MULDER: Well, up yoos' noses witch rubber hoses!
SCULLY: Radical, surf bud Mulger! (click)

SCENE: UFO wreckage...

KERMIE: Oh, my! We survived!
PIGGY: Like you couldn't see that one coming!
BIG BIRD: Oh, my ship! (cries) My, beautiful, lovely ship... ruined...
LINDA: It's okay, Big Bird. It was only a material object-
BIG BIRD: No it wasn't. It was a part of me. It was- (BURP) oh my! excuse me! (pukes up demon)
DEMON: Well, hello, and how are we today? I hope we're well rested, because today we're learning about dinosaurs!

Scene 33

NARR: Meanwhile, on the charred remains of the Enterprise...
PICARD: Commander Data.
DATA: Yes, Captain.
PICARD: I need to know where the entity in Alpha-quadrant is moving to.
DATA: Yes captaaaiiinnn...
PICARD: Commander Data? Data? All right! Who slipped him one of those other batteries?

SCENE: 34

NARR: Elsewhere on the Enterprise...
GEORDI: Doctor Crusher. You wanted to see me?
CRUSHER: Yes, Geordi. I think I know why you can't see.
GEORDI: What! Really! Oh, how I have dreamed of this day! For the first time I will be able to see the wild flowers, the streets, the art, the peacemakers...
CRUSHER: It's very simple. I think you can't see because you have some weird hair braid over your eyes.
GEORDI: Omigosh! You're right! Wow! The world is better, without those little slot things in the way!!!

Scene: 35

NARR: Back on Sesame Street, Satan has finished his serpentine dinosaur lecture...
DEMON: ...and that is why we don't eat dinosaurs. Any questions?
BIG BIRD: Why were you still in my stomach?
DEMON: I'm sorry... I didn't think you hated me.
BIG BIRD: Hey, hey. Don't fret, Mr. Mestofeles. It's not your fault you're mean. Hey, turn that frown upside down, you big bad devil.
DEMON: (sniff) Thanks, Big Bird. I didn't think you cared.
BIG BIRD: You're right. I do hate you. You're a wuss!
DEMON: Please don't slam me!
BIG BIRD: I'll do what I want!
DEMON: Hey! You're not nice anymore!
BIG BIRD: Shut up.
DEMON: Hey! Who's that?
SCULLY: Hi, guys! What's goinging on?
DEMON: Why, I don't believe we have had the pleasure of meeting.
SCULLY: Oh, my. My name's Smully. Um, Scully.
DEMON: Scully. What a nice name.
SCULLY: Why thank you.
DEMON: Wait! I see someone approaching in the distance...
MULDER: Scully, I found you. I need you to sign these papers.
SCULLY: Um, I don't want to sign papers. Demon, eat Mulder.
MULDER: Uh oh.
DEMON: (Gulp).
MULDER: (says nothing, because he was eaten.)
DEMON: Are you satisfied, my pet?
SCULLY: Why, thank you, deamond.
DEMON: Is there anyone else I can do you the humble favor of eating?
SCULLY: Um, I don't think so. At least, not right now. Izere a place where we can shoot the cow?
DEMON: The bull.
SCULLY: What about it?
DEMON: Never mind, my sweet.
SCULLY: Okay.
DEMON: Do you wish to rule the Earth at my throne?
SCULLY: I don't know if that's 'pprop'rate'.
DEMON: But the story grows closer to the end, and you have to.
SCULLY: Oh, well, if you 'sist.
DEMON: Very well. I'm going to flush the Earth. (flush)
SCULLY: Hey! Where is everyone? Hello?
B. WAYNE: Welcome to the Bat-Cave. I am your batty host, Bat-man.
SCULLY: Wow! What 'penned to everyone?
WAYNE: The Earth was flushed. But don't worry, you're not on Earth, you're in the Bat-Cave.
SCULLY: Mod...
WAYNE: After I blew up the demon, my Bat-Cave turned into asbostos, and we flew up onto the moon.
SCULLY: Oh. That is so deep.
B. WAYNE: I know. Well, Everything in Earth is gone. Shall we pray?
SCULLY: Um, do you have Parcheesi?
B. WAYNE: I think so.
SCULLY: I wanta play that.
B. WAYNE: Okay. Say goodnight, Scully.
SCULLY: Goondite, Smully. (Fade to ending music) Hey, wait that's not it. Hey, wait... I feel a sequel....



Scene One

NARRATOR: Cross the Street to Sesame Hood! Today's Episode: "No means yes!"
BIG BIRD: Well, We're back. I can't believe what a mess that was. Red stuff everywhere, people mad at each other, it was scary!
LINDA: Yes, Big Bird. Picnics can be scary.
BIG BIRD: That's not what I was talking about.
LINDA: Oh, yeah.
BIG BIRD: I finally have saved up half a million Cornflake proof of purchases. I can get something good out of the catalogue.
LINDA: Like what?
BIG BIRD: Well, I don't know. Maybe a toaster, or a washing machine. Nothing looked really good except for the washing machine, because it was possessed by the devil, or a phone booth that can go back in time.
LINDA: Those sound very interesting.
BIG BIRD: Oscar told me that I can get Prozac up , how did he say it? Up the yinyang.
LINDA: Oh, no. Here comes Gordon again.
GORDON: Hey, baby. Remember last night?
LINDA: If you ever do that to me again-
GORDON: You'll do what you did last night?
LINDA: Help! Someone! Help!
BIG BIRD: I'll help!
LINDA: Oh. I didn't think you could.
BIG BIRD: Gordon, If Linda doesn't like you touching her, maybe you shouldn't.
GORDON: You mean like this?
BIG BIRD: Ohh! Hey! That's not bad!
GORDON: Looks like our yella friend drives two cars!
BIG BIRD: Here, let me try that.
GORDON: 'kay.

(pause for 3 seconds)

Hey, that's not bad- Ouch! What the- You little- Oh my God it's gone!
BIG BIRD:It never was there!
LINDA: Hey. That's okay. I know.
GORDON: Did you hear about those escaped convicts?
BIG BIRD: Yeah, some Monnican agent got out along with The Joker and the Riddler, and that cat thing.
LINDA: I hope we have some dark guardian of the night.
BIG BIRD: Like um, uh, uhhhh bat guy?
LINDA: 1001001010101101010111001011011010101010110.
I/O error. Reboot. (Beep) Hi guys. How are you?
BIG BIRD: What just happened to you?
LINDA: Sometimes I can get stuck.
BIG BIRD: Oh. Asante sana.Squash banana. We we nugu. Mi mi apana. Did you hear about that bombing at Melrose Place?
LINDA: (zap) Yeah, I wonder if there was alot of blood!
BIG BIRD: Linda, that's not appropriate for young viewers. Viewer starts with V.
LINDA: Me gusta
BIG BIRD: Shut up! No Spanish this time, remberber?
CONNOR MCLEOD: Excuse me, can you help me find a muppet named Cookie Monster? We have some... unsettled business.
BIG BIRD: You remind me of someone. Have you ever met Fox Mulder?
MCLEOD: We have met it the past.
BIG BIRD: Well, he's around here somewhere. You just have to look for him.
MCLEOD: Thank you for your assistance.
BIG BIRD: Now for some feel good activities.
KERMIT: Hi Ho! Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
PIGGY: And a fat Piggy rear!

Scene Two

NARR: Behind closed doors with Ernie and Bert-Head...
ERNIE: Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
BERT-HEAD: Hmmm hmmm yeah hmm uhg hhmm yeah yeah!
ERNIE: Bert-Head? Are you out there? You know I get all hot when I know I'm being watched!
BERT-HEAD: This is gonna be cool. Yeah. Cool. Hmmm hmmm. Rock!
ERNIE: skkkk skkkk skkkk skkkk skkkk! Bert-Head! Come to me and my rubber di- uh ducky!
BERT-HEAD: What? Fire? Fire!
ERNIE: Why, this water smells funny. Bert-Head? Are you on the other side of that door?
BERT-HEAD: Ugh, hey Ernie! Pull my finger! Fire!
ERNIE: Does it have to be your finger? You're still on the other side of the door!
BERT-HEAD: Um, never mind. Pull your finger!
ERNIE: Okay! Do you know why my finger is tied to a string? And why does this water smell like dirty ol' propane? Bert-Head?
BERT-HEAD: Okay! My liver is protected! Titleist!
ERNIE: Ooh! Like opening a special birthday surprise! Umm.. creamy!
BERT-HEAD: Do it!

(explosions)

Scene: South Central Sesame Hood...
ELMO: Elmo rugged!
COOKIE MONSTER: Yammmm yammmm yammm we control cookie flow in and out of city! Only muppets to get cookies be through us!
HENRY: We could have a "rock" garden.
TELLY: What? Eat me!
HENRY: Why? I already have a tub of "rock" right here!
Telly: Huh? Oh! Rock!
HENRY: See what I mean? Around the edges we could make a kind of border, you know, like with "angels," and fill in the "cracks" and "pot"holes with some "PCP" piping.
COOKIE MONSTER: And eat cookies! Yammm yammm yammm!
ELMO: Elmo be O. G!
COUNT: Blah! And the folds of the night can be our dagger-proof vests! Hah hah hah! That's two necrophyliacs!
ELMO: You go out and lift car stereos and corrupt muppets and get narcotics and cookies! Go get muppets! Be ba-a-a-a-a-d!

Scene: With Big Bird...

BIG BIRD: Hmmm... I wonder what's happening in the city right now.
LINDA: I don't know. Let's go find out.

(walk down street)

LINDA: Oh, hello, Mr Hooper! You're looking better then normal!
MR HOOPER: Oh, I'm so glad I'm back! After the olitupel bipass I was rather depressed... now I feel great! Especially after last night, Big Bird.
BIG BIRD: Kermit.
KERMIT: Yes?
BIG BIRD: Are you a grown up? I can never tell. I'm suposed to be something like five years old, but I just don't know about you.
KERMITY: I don't know. Go away.
PIGGY: Why don't you 'come' over here?
KERMITY: Okay.

Scene: The backstreets of Sesame Hood...

AEON FLUX: Hmm... This looks like one of those rehabilitation projects Trevor was working on. This place is disgusting. Uck! Look at that... there weren't this many corpses back home. God. Look at that. Must be a muppet or something. (laser gun)
MUPPET: (general screams)
AEON FLUX: Oh well. I thought I read about this place. Developing drug problems... Crime... Poverty... Good palce for a vacation. Hmm? What's that?
ELMO: Hey lady! Elmo know what you are!
AEON FLUX: Oh, really now?
ELMO: Here! (hands her $20 bill) (punching noises)

Scene: Back in 'da 'hood...

ELMO: You get stuff?
COOKIE MONSTER: Yammm yammm yammm! I got stuff!
ELMO: I got stiff!
COUNT: vahn too tharee foe fiva seex seven eight nine ten! Agh agh agh!

Scene: Whores, whores, whores...

WHORE: Spoon!

Scene: Ernie and Bert-head...

ERNIE: Oh... I'm all spoiled. If only I wasn't so bored.

SFX: (Doors opening)

BERT-HEAD: That was cool... hum hhm yeahh...cool...yeah...hup hmm...
ERNIE: That was not nice! You're lucky I'm in such a forgiving mood!
BERT-HEAD: Shut up! I'll kill you! I swear to God I'll kill you!
ERNIE: Now, Bert-head...
BERT-HEAD: You suck!
ERNIE: I know... You want to come into my room and make movies?
BERT-HEAD: How do you keep the camera still with only one hand?
ERNIE: Oh, you!
BERT-HEAD: Ahh! I need TP for my bung-hole! Bungholio!
ERNIE: Bert-head, what are you doing with that lighter?
BERT-HEAD: I am the great Corn-holio! Do you have TP for my bunghole?
ERNIE: Yes. But it's in right now.
BERT-HEAD: Aagh! Hum hmm mhmhh nachos rule... hmm hmh.

Scene: At your local McDonalds...

MANAGER: Now, here are the rules: One. No running around.
Two. No screaming. Three. Do not rape the straws. Four. Do not stick your genitals into hot coffee.
KID: Why?
MANAGER: Because I said so.

Scene: Sesame Hood Theature...

KERMITY: And now for some bad humor:
If you wash your face after you've taken it off...
You might be a muppet.
If you have poles hangin' off your arms...
You might be a muppet.
If you are stalked by polyester bounty-hunters...
You might be a muppet.
If you only ride a tricycle 'cause you can't ride a bike...
You might be a muppet.
If your eyes weigh more than the rest of your body...
You might be a muppet.
If you go to the craft store in interests of a nose-job...
You might be a muppet.
If you are googely eyed...
You might be a muppet.
If the only thing you can say is the alphabet...
You might be a muppet.
And if you can't be a lifeguard because you absorb all the water in the pool...
You might be a muppet.
(Audience throughout presentation)

Scene: At the Bat-Cave...

BATMAN: Nightwing! Uh, I mean Robin! (mutters under breath) Robin... what a pussy name. Robin. Ha.
ROBIN: Holy smokes! What is it, Batman?
BATMAN: We need to go to Sesame Hood! Drug Problems!
ROBIN: Holy narcotics!
BATMAN: Shall we go by air or by sea?
ROBIN: Holyland! We need the Batmobile!
BATMAN: Okay!
ROBIN: Holy Harmony!
BATMAN: Let's go!

Scene: Back with Kermit...

If you are green, purple or polka-dotted...
You might be a muppet.
If your eyes don't blink...
You might be a muppet.
If you don't have teeth...
You might be a muppet.
If you have velcro eye sockets...
You might be a muppet.
If you are always being thrown into a dryer...
You might be a muppet.
If you complain your fabrick softener makes your hair smell funny...
You might be a muppet.
If you have ever gone to a muppet academy...
You might be a muppet.
If you don't know who O.J. is...
You might be a muppet.
If you have a hand in your stomach...
You might be a muppet.
If you are a fire hazard...
You might be a muppet.
If you have a tag on the back of your neck that says "Dry clean only..."
You might be a muppet.
If you like eating bricks...
You might be a muppet.
If you count your teeth...
You might be a muppet.
If you think Batman would be better if he were made of cotton...
You might be a muppet.
If you think Robin would be better if he weren't made of cotton...
You might be a muppet.
If you gargle numbers...
You might be a muppet.
If you have been 5 years old for 19 years...
You might be a muppet.
If you vomit someone's hand...
You might be a muppet.
If you collect cabbage...
You might be a muppet.
If you rubber ducky...
You might be a muppet.
If you your daddy's a profit...
You might be a muppet.

Scene: At the depths of the Batcave...

BATMAN: Okay Robin! Push!
ROBIN: Holy incinerators! The Batmobile won't go!
BATMAN: Pump the gas, Robin!
ROBIN: Holy Water!
BATMAN: Water! Yes, that has to be it! (squirting noises)
BATMAN: Look! The car is starting. All it needed was to be clean!
BATMOBILE: You smell.
ROBIN: Holy Holes!
BATMAN: My car can talk!
BATMOBILE: Yeah yeah, your door is ajar, ya' jerk.
ROBIN: Holy remorse!
BATMOBILE: It's not my fault you're the way you are!
BATMAN: I thought I told you to get that cleared up!
ROBIN: But Alfred put some lotion on it last night!
BATMAN: I'm not going to let you wear my lingerie anymore.
ROBIN: I promise! I go to the doctor's!

(yelled out from stalagmites of Batcave)

POISION IV: The doctor is in!

(swings down from rope, kicks Night-wing into Batman)

ROBIN: Oh my god! Batman! Did you see that! When she kicked me I could see her thing!
BATMAN: Oh, no fair! I should have been the one!
POISON IV: Hey, this is really inappropriate! Do I have to warn you?
BATMAN: But I wanted some!
POISON IV: That's it! I'm taking you to court!
BATMAN: You're just saying that because you have a cat named Dan the Lion!
POISON IV: Oh, very funny! Ha ha! Just because I can grow plants you assume it's allright to make plant jokes! It's not!
BATMAN: If you spend the night we could see some Morning Glory.
POISON IV: I'll have my lawer call you.
BATMAN: I'd like to see you try!
POISON IV: You act like just because you do it with the Commisioner it's the only way to get a Batphone!
BATMAN: What?!
POISON IV: Night, Batty Boy.
NIGHTWING: Hey wait! We could get a managee-twee going!
POISON IV: (walking off) Ohh!

Scene: FBI Headquaters...

MULDER: Gilleen!
SCULLY: It's Dana.
MULDER: Dana. We have a case!
SCULLY: Fanstic!
MULDER: Remember Sesame Hood?
SCULLY: Yes... I ree...meeehm....ber. Oh my God! I got it! remberber!
MULDER: (sighs)
SCULLY: Hey, Mulder. If you're gonna play with those peanuts, wear a condom.
MULDER: No, Dana. That's for intercourse. Not food.
SCULLY: Well, you can interscrew whatever you want.
MULDER: Anyway, I have our tickets to Sesame Hood.
SCULLY: How are we going?
MULDER: Remember the Choo-choo?
SCULLY: I re-recall it.
MULDER: Good. Get ready.

Scene: AEON FLUX

AEON FLUX: Well, well, well. Look what we have here. A little red muppet.
ELMO: Let Elmo go!
AEON FLUX: Not until you give me the serum.
ELMO: Elmo not old enough to make serum.
AEON FLUX: No! Serum! You know you have the serum that removes the virus from my body!
ELMO: Elmo no have serum. No know what you want. Untie Elmo!
AEON FLUX: Listen, You little red imp. Give me the serum, now!!
ELMO: Where could Elmo have serum?
AEON FLUX:You're right... I never thought of that...Clever.
ELMO: What you doing on knees? Elmo no, no AAAAAAGGGGHHH!!
AEON FLUX: Oops.

Scene: Batman in the courtroom...

BATMAN: ...And that is why I should be aquitted.
ROBIN: And why I should get a grant from the government to perf-
BATMAN: Shut up!
ROBIN: 'Kay.
POISON IV: Odor in the court! Get it? Get it! Odor? Order?! Ha!

SFX [crickets chirping]

Scene: At Super Mario World...

Mario: Heya, Luigi! Looka at this!
Luigi: Ay, an egg!
Mario: Uhf.. Eh cag get ig in my mouf!!

Egg: SFX: [egg cracking]

Yoshi: Yoshi Hungry!
Mario: Hey, Luigi! Give it something to drink!
Luigi: Uh, no Mario, we don't play that game with strangers.
Mario: Come here, little dinosaur! Hey! A bobomb!

Bobomb: [Ed. note- a bobomb is a walking bomb]

Yoshi: Yoshi Hungry!
Mario: Here, eat this!

Yoshi: SFX [tounge sound, eating sound] (Yoshi eats bobomb)

Mario: Heya, Luigi, check this out!
Yoshi: Yoshi no feel good...!

SFX: [bang] (Yoshi blows up)

Mario: Yeah. That was cool! Uh huh huh huh.
Luigi: Yeah! Rock! Lite that dino up! Fire!

Scene: Big Bird...

Big Bird: Hey, Linda, what's that up in the sky?
Linda: Why, that's a weather balloon, Big Bird.
Big Bird: A weahter balloon? Does it make weather?
Linda: No, numnuts! You must be a retard! What a looser!
Big Bird: Oh, wait! That's not a weather balloon!
Linda: It's a catapault! What a piece of crap!
Big Bird: I bet if I had a catapault if I could launch a melon 500 feet!

Scene: Baywatch...

Mitch: Ooh, yeah..

. SFX[ seven and a half minutes of groaning]

That's good octopus repelant. Logan, rub me down some more!
Logan: 'kay, mate. I wouldn't be dead for dullers! Ay, mate, when we gonna take applications?
Mitch: Oh, now, I guess!

(walk over to counter from Mitch's closet)

Mitch: Welcome to the Peach Pit! May I take your order?
Logan: (licks Mitch's ear, then) No, may we take your application?
Ditzy Woman: Yeah...
Logan: How about now?
Ditzy Woman: Yeah...
Logan: Well?
D. Woman: Here.
Logan: What do you think, Mitch?
Mitch: You look better in a speedo.
Logan: No, I mean the girl.
Mitch: Um, jump up and down really hard.
D. Woman: Okay.

[sounds like jumping]

Mitch: Whaddathink?
Logan: I dunno. How well can you swim?
D. Woman: I think I would float if I drowned.
Logan: That good, eh?
Mitch: Sorry, we only take sinkers.
Logan: No, you only take cankers. And you wouldn't get those if you'd just do what I do...
Mitch: Okay! We'll take you! Do you come in green?

Scene: Mulder and Scully...

Mulder: Okay, we're getting there.
Scully: You didn't say we were going to Sesame Hood in a cucumber!
Mulder: I didn't say that! We're in a choo-choo!

Scene: 45 Miles north of the Hood...

Scene: With Big Bird...

Big Bird: Hey, It's Linda

And Gordon! Did you see those
Neat shoes those kids got?
Do you know the
Reason
Everyone has them?
Where do the get them?
Sometimes I wish that I could where shoes
Under there.
Come and play with me,
So,
Kids!
Like everyone else,
I enjoy
Kite flying, playing with pretend
Engines and cars
Not doing drugs, except in
October and a few
Other months, but
Never on holidays, and I love a place where
Everyone has a home to
Enjoy, and I
Love things that don't
Suck. That's about
Everything I can think of.

Scene: On the choo-choo Scully is being harrassed...

Mulder: Hey! Don't touch Scully! Just say no, Scully!
Scully: No, Scully!
Gordon: Come on, give us a kiss!
Mulder: Yo, listen up you lily livered macher ripped slam bangin' spastic clodhopping cosmic prissy fenaglin slap hapin crack whore! If you touch my thang here, you be messin with O.G.! Get yo' Tide white hemy-hole anus off my turf and get it back into the yoo-hoo chochablock tunnel you call home and yo mama call sewage! Yo, I got yo answers right here, y'all turkey stain! Ya hummy blow- hard drippy keggin 4 dolla' street- walkin piece of clover- kickin' cumcrusher! Yo, tell yo eight ballin' crack sniffin wallawallabingbang floozy with the pecho's de guerra to find herself a flophouse with a chaser of mother nature's fluid of joy, Foo!
Scully: Dideedo!
Gordon: You wanna go, G?!
Mulder: Y'all bring down.

Scene: With Elmo...

Elmo: Boy! I'm glad you finally put it on Dragon Ball!
Count: Blah! Blah!
Pocahontas: [kindly dusts self]

You think you own whatever man you land on!
You think that I'm your dinner, not your friend!
But I know that you think that moss is kinky.
And I can be kinky too, watch me bend!

Have you ever heard the ripping of a gum tissue?
or asked poor bleeding Andrew why he bleeds?
If you've had braces you know the pain he suffers
That is how we meet our gross sadistic needs.
That is how we meet our gross sadistic needs.

SFX: [Flame] (Pocahontas catches on fire)

Scene: At FOX...

Mother: Billy, what's wrong??
Billy: I can't get this math!!! I swear to God I'm gonna kill myself if I don't get a A!!!
Ann: And you can get get an A too... with Math made Easy Tutoring Tapes...
Billy: Mom, look! I got an A!
Mommy: That's great dear!-- Hey! Satan! Get off the couch!
Satan: Yes mommy.
Billy: Oh! You always pay attention to him and not me!!! I can't take this!!!

SFX:[Gunshot]

Scene: Scully..

Scully: I have a confession to make. I hate exercise. But I love my Walkfit. When I use Walkfit, I have a special time to... relax, and daydream. Mt Fugi!! What an inspiration!!!

Scene: Somewhere else...
Matilda: Why, I must say, mother, that it is positively the most dreadful day outside today.
Mother: Shut up, you little twit! I can't hear the tellie!
Matilda: But Mother! Why don't you ever listen? I've read everything in the house. There's nothing left.
Mother: That's why we have a television. Now sit down and shut up!
Matilda: I don't want to. I'm going to leave and go to the library.
Mother: Don't you dare, little imp! It's pouring rain outside and I'm not going to come get you again!
Matilda: You've never come to get me!
Mother: Are you trying to be a smart-alec? Of course I've come to get you before! I do it all the time!
Matilda: When have you come to get me?
Mother: Just the other day I went to get you when the train ran into my car and gave Anne the amnesia and Doctor Jenson said that it was too late to reverse the damage! And you know, speaking of Dr. Jenson, I overheard Alicia say that she was plotting to kill his wife to get at his money after the settlement in court was finished! Then Peter heard-
Matilda: Mother! That was a soap opera that you watched yesterday! That is not your real life! You never picked me up! Our car will never even work, seeing that Daddy got it from his own car lot! You don't know what's going on!
Mother: Shut up! Shut up, you little hooligan, or you'll go to bed without dinner!
Matilda: I would rather go to bed without those awful TV dinners.
Mother: Fine! Go run off to your little library! Just wait until your father comes home!
Matilda: Fine! (Matilda runs out of her house to the library.)
Librarian: Why, hello Matilda. Oh, look at you, you poor dear. You're soaked. Let me get you a blanket from the utility room and fix you up some hot chocolate.
Matilda: Thank you. Why, what's this?
Librarian: Matilda? You know what that is. It's a newspaper.
Matilda: No! The story!
Librarian: Oh, boulderdash! That's the Sesame Hood story developing.
Matilda: What's Sesame Hood?
Librarian: No, dear- Hüd. That's an umlaut.


Scene: Alley...
Narr: The rain is drenching the fair backgrounds of Sesame Hood.
Elmo: I got trouble. One of my crew got himself perished.
Count: And who might that be?
Elmo: Henry. Somebody stuck his knives in all his major organs in
alphabetical order.
Count: Well, by all means, I think we ought to have an
introspective moment of silence for poor ol' Henry.
Elmo: Abashed the Devil stood and felt how awful Goodness was.




Sesame Hood is a work in progress. If you have any comments or suggetions, you can E-Mail me in the Help window. Or here:

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